First you are and then you’re not

Today’s topic is not a fun one. So you better stop reading now, if you expect some lighthearted fare.
Right now the media are freaking out that Kate Middleton is pregnant. She got hospitalized for morning sickness, therefore the world knows now.
I am wary of announcing pregnancies early, because a whole lot of pregnancies that are in the first trimester do not make it into the third and beyond. A whole host of things can go wrong, and in very many cases they do. I know what I am talking about. I had two miscarriages myself.
With the first one, we had been telling everyone early on that I was pregnant. Then the ultrasound came and there was no heartbeat anymore and the prospects of this tiny little thing becoming a baby, a human being, were getting squashed. It was tough.
Telling everyone that I was not pregnant anymore was tougher. We had to answer questions (Why? When? Are you sure?) We had to accept outpourings of concern (I’m so sorry) and one of our relatives even blamed me for the loss (Maybe you’re just too old for that.)
All I wanted was to move on. To focus on something else and not be constantly reminded of the fact that I had lost the possibility of this child. But having to un-tell everyone did not let me move on. I had to relive the traumatizing moment again and again in those conversations. I wanted to escape from the whole topic of child birth, but couldn’t. Also, having a miscarriage initiated me into some sort of club. Everyone of my friends or relatives who ever had a miscarriage, told me about it. It seemed like all of them had at least one and I was not alone. It was supposed to help me. I am not sure it did. Maybe it helped my friends and relatives to finally be able to talk about it.
One of the cruelest things I had to face was the surgery questionnaire for the D and C. It asked right there if I was pregnant or not. I answered: Not anymore. There are very few other times in my life when I had felt as such a failure.
Thankfully, my next pregnancy resulted in our lovely son.
The second miscarriage happened between my son and my daughter. It was sad. It was painful. It was not nearly as traumatic as the first miscarriage, because that time we didn’t tell anyone of the pregnancy and I was left in peace, because people weren’t aware that I was pregnant in the first place.
Lastly my daughter was born and now I have two great kids. I will never forget though, that I was pregnant four times, not two. And whenever I see people announce their pregnancies early on, I hope for the best and secretly wish they had kept it to themselves for their own sake.


About scratchingcat

Writer, mother, friend.
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4 Responses to First you are and then you’re not

  1. Dome Woo says:

    Ute, my heart goes out to you. You are not able to see me, but I am sitting right here at my couch with real tears filling my eyes and and slowly running down my face.

    I will never be able to feel the same pain you felt, but on some level I can relate to it – which is still not close enough! I wish I could just grab you right through this screen and hug you like a million times.

    At least you do have two awesome kids you can be proud of, there is no need to think of what might have been, since the what is, is more important now!


  2. Kate says:

    Thanks for sharing this. I agree. I actually just had a miscarriage last wk. first pregnancy, first miscarriage. We waited to tell, the first sono wasn’t promising. A heartbeat, but slow and small. We told a select few, for prayer, and I found out how common it was. Made me wish people talked about it more. But I agree. Risky to go so public early on.

  3. Nicole says:

    Thanks for sharing your story Ute. I have had the misfourtune of knowing a few friends who have lost children through miscarriage and had molar pregnancies. I smiled when you said that you always remember you were pregnant 4 times, not ever forgetting those precious children.

    I completely understand your concern for this early announcement. I don’t think Kate has much choice in the matter now, she’s been admitted to hospital and it will get out… now she, and her husband have the control as they are the ones who released the information. I highly doubt (given that it has also been reported that the Queen and other family only just found out themselves) that either of them wanted to say anything until after that three month mark.

    I truely hope for her sake that she doesn’t have to go through the pain that you and many other women have endured. She lives in a fishbowl as it is.

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