Yesterday Barry Aldridge, a youtuber I greatly respect and admire, tweeted the following:
“There are times I just want to not exist anymore but then I remember about the ones who love me and then I’m back to normal happy.”
I can not fathom the first part of his tweet. I have never had the wish to not exist anymore. I have been depressed, I have been through some serious horse manure, I have experienced pain that I wish on no other person. Nevertheless, I never wanted not to be there.
When I was at my lowest, I did think that the world might be better off without me. Still, I didn’t think I would do the world the favor of me leaving. I was stubborn that way.
Also, even in my deepest lows I always held on to the notion that there must be something better than this. Just hold on and work hard, this can’t be all there is.
I can’t imagine not to exist. I also want to know what happens next. In a nutshell, I want to live forever.
Of course I know that I will not live forever. I can’t and I won’t. I still want to. I want to so much that when the song comes on: “Who wants to live forever?” I have to restrain myself to not hop up and down, hollering: “Me! Me! Me! Me!”
This though holds true, no matter the friendship/family situation. I had this thought when I had no friends. I had this thought when I was sick as a dog. It is part of who I am. There is this innate curiosity and a core power that will not leave anytime soon.
I wish I could share this defiant spark with people who do not have it. I wish I could inject some of my attitude into those friends, who have to hold on to the outside to make their life worth living. I can’t do that either. What I can do is share how I feel about life and demonstrate the joy of living. I can listen to you and partake in your experiences, even though I honestly do not know how you feel. I can be there and try to give hope and a different perspective. Let’s hope that is enough.
And when I do finally have to die, I hope I will have it in me to find peace, but knowing me, I will probably put up a hell of a fight.