The will to live

Yesterday Barry Aldridge, a youtuber I greatly respect and admire, tweeted the following:
“There are times I just want to not exist anymore but then I remember about the ones who love me and then I’m back to normal happy.”

I can not fathom the first part of his tweet. I have never had the wish to not exist anymore. I have been depressed, I have been through some serious horse manure, I have experienced pain that I wish on no other person. Nevertheless, I never wanted not to be there.
When I was at my lowest, I did think that the world might be better off without me. Still, I didn’t think I would do the world the favor of me leaving. I was stubborn that way.
Also, even in my deepest lows I always held on to the notion that there must be something better than this. Just hold on and work hard, this can’t be all there is.
I can’t imagine not to exist. I also want to know what happens next. In a nutshell, I want to live forever.
Of course I know that I will not live forever. I can’t and I won’t. I still want to. I want to so much that when the song comes on: “Who wants to live forever?” I have to restrain myself to not hop up and down, hollering: “Me! Me! Me! Me!”
This though holds true, no matter the friendship/family situation. I had this thought when I had no friends. I had this thought when I was sick as a dog. It is part of who I am. There is this innate curiosity and a core power that will not leave anytime soon.
I wish I could share this defiant spark with people who do not have it. I wish I could inject some of my attitude into those friends, who have to hold on to the outside to make their life worth living. I can’t do that either. What I can do is share how I feel about life and demonstrate the joy of living. I can listen to you and partake in your experiences, even though I honestly do not know how you feel. I can be there and try to give hope and a different perspective. Let’s hope that is enough.
And when I do finally have to die, I hope I will have it in me to find peace, but knowing me, I will probably put up a hell of a fight.


About scratchingcat

Writer, mother, friend.
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One Response to The will to live

  1. wysiwyg88 says:

    I’ve felt very similar things with regard to some people I’ve been very close with. I hope if nothing else I’ve remained patient with them and not made anything they’re going through worse. I am familiar with the feeling of waking up occasionally and being entirely at ease with the idea of not existing any more but these feelings are fleeting for the most part. Life is a unique and awe inspiring experience whether we realise it or not. Sometimes however the experience gets overwhelming and sometimes feels in escapable, unending and overly hostile. It is at these point that in their weaker moments some people sometimes think that oblivion is preferable. A merciful release. This is fine. It happens, we all have those sorts of days. The problem lies if it goes any further than that and you lose site of the fact its a permanent solution to temporary problem. Like curing dandruff by decapitation. An interesting question I’ve not yet come to a conclusion on is whether an otherwise healthy person can ever be said to be totally sane if they wish to take their own life? I don’t know.

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